Sunday, July 25, 2010

Missing my Third.

We went to the kiddie water park the other day and a little girl, slightly older than Phoenix, took Scarlett's hand and became quick friends. Aleece pointed it out first, and then I couldn't shake it. Is that what it would have looked like? Three kids playing together instead of two... and a hole.

It's rare that I have days when I picture what it would be like to still have Janell with us. I suppose, if I ever met a little girl who was born on July 25th, 2004, maybe then I would wonder. Janell is an individual, not just any little girl could remind me of her. She would have to have been premature, she would have to have olive skin and curly brown hair. And it's hard for me to conceder Janell here with Phoenix and Scarlett.

The fact is, because she died, I have the children I have now. The world would be different if she had lived...

If she had lived...

If she had lived, tomorrow would be happy. Six birthdays are fun, right?
If she had lived, there would be three times the cuddles and three times the kisses.
If she had lived, bedtimes would be different, Christmas would be different, July would be different.
If she had lived, my four year old wouldn't have to understand death.
If she had lived, I wouldn't have to comfort two little kids, through my own tears, because they miss their sister.
If she had lived, our family would be different... the world would be different.

11 comments:

Aleece said...

I am so in awe of you. You are one of the strongest women I know, and I look up to you so much. The world would be different if she was here, but I believe the world is different because she existed. Look at all she has accomplished...teaching, love, comfort, help, compassion...all without taking a breath. That is not a fair trade, (I badly want to hold her hand and braid her pig-tails) but I thank you so much for letting Janell's divine purpose live on. She has changed the world. I love you.

Kerrie T. said...

So beautiful.

ter@waaoms said...

Remembering our little girls today.....

and always.<3

Zoƫ said...

Love u!

And there's some love on my blog for you too.

Amanda Borenstadt said...

((hug))
I can't imagine what it was like to lose a child. Thank you for sharing such intimate beautiful thoughts.

Elizabeth Poole said...

*hugs*

Not much more I can do, sadly.

Just Another Sarah said...

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what it would be like. I offer a *hug* as well, but I know it isn't the same. Still. The offer stands.

bewitched said...

hi Liz,
I have to agree with other posts here, i don't know you but i am inspired by you. we need more strong chics in this world who are awesome mommies and still keep there creative edge. it has been a long time since you have posted...stay inspired sister!

Raleigh RoxStar said...

Thank you for sharing this inspiring and poignant piece. I just discovered your blog today. I hope you will post again soon and that there will be a 2011 edition of The Aspiring Writer's Pledge.

Best!

Latay said...

Hey Lizzie. Just catching up reading your blogs...
Just thought I'd tell you that I think of Janell often. I have a dragon fly necklace that I wear in honor of her life and memory. It helps me remember what a precious gift this life is and to really be thankful for the moment.
Janell's life though short, was a big impact on so many people. It conjured compassion and awareness for still birth and families who have experienced it. And for me, like I've said, its a reminder that each day is a gift. To really LIVE life, appreciating each moment and finding the beauty in each moment - because we never know how short our days can be.
I love you all and I will ALWAYS remember Janell. She will always be your daughter and our friend. And one day I hope to thank her for inspiring you to share her life, which has touched so many hearts.

Latay said...

PS - beautiful poem. :)

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